"'Reba' doesn't suck.  It's a good show," Vicky Pineapple said.

"'Watching 'Reba' is so painful that after fifteen minutes of it I think I know what childbirth feels like," I replied in my ever dramatic fashion.

"No.  It's funny," Vicky Pineapple reasoned.

"No.  It's retarded," I retorted, "If I want to spend a half an hour watching retarded I'd go to a Special Olympics tournament."

Vicky Pineapple gave me the look of death.  "I think your education made your brain fried.  Why can't you just sit down and watch a show and just laugh?" Vicky's logic sent a shiver up my spine. Am I too critical? I've only seen a few snippets of "Reba" here and there and never in sequenced order. I mean, a lot of shows I love could be deemed stupid if not in context. Furthermore, I've always prided myself on being able to pin point exactly why I hate or like something. All I know is that ten minutes of "Reba" scarred me as would a cigarette that had been put out on my face. Perhaps it was time to give "Reba" another chance. Perhaps Vicky was right. At the very least I might be able to pin point why "Reba" makes me so mad.

So I headed down to the local Blockbuster (Have You Seen is too high end to have such drivel) and rented the first disk of the first season of "Reba." Might as well start at the beginning,  right? I strapped myself in a chair and I pinned my eyelids open (for some strange reason I get violently ill every time I hear the song "I'm a Survivor" now) to try to figure out the root of this evil. After three straight hours of Reba and her household of southern wholesome dysfunction I finally figured out just why the show pisses me off so much. So dear friends, come with me as:

CONFESSIONS OF A POP CULTURE ADDICT

KICKS THE CRAP OUT OF "REBA"

Now let's be fair to "Reba" for a minute.  Traditionally I hate sit-coms. I used to love them when I was a kid but as I grew older I found that the majority of sit-coms just piss me off because I find them unfunny. Do I hate all sit-coms? No. There are a lot of sit-coms that I do enjoy extensively. However, I am not going to defend any of the sit-coms I love against "Reba". That can be an article for another day. Yet I think it's important before we begin to understand the origin of my hatred for the modern sit-com. I call my hatred "The Charles in Charge Factor". 

It all started one afternoon when I was in high school watching "Charles in Charge". I guess I was watching it because it was the only thing on. Anyhow, I don't remember the plot of the episode but Charles (of course played by Scott Baio) was trying to avoid a girl.  Charles is in a restaurant and about to walk out the door when he sees the girl and jumps head first over a booth to hide from her. At that point the audience (or laugh track more likely) laughed. I realize I did not. In fact, watching Scott Baio hide from the girl was not the least bit funny. As I watched the rest of the episode I realized that every time the laugh track laughed the joke or so called funny moment was usually stupid or not remotely cutting edge. The sound of the laughter at unfunny moments began to be an insult to me as if it was there as a prompt for me to laugh. This only made me more aggravated. From that moment on I viewed sit-coms very harshly. If the sit com can make me laugh because the joke is truly funny then that's one thing. If the joke is only trite than the sound of the laughter on the show is an insult to my intelligence. I don't need to be told when to laugh and I can't understand who would be laughing.

So let's get back to "Reba". Obviously you can gather that I slot "Reba" in a sit-com with the "Charles in Charge Factor." This is self explanatory. You see, there is a fine line between clever and retarded. I like my comedy to be clever. "Reba" opts for retarded. I found in the first six episodes not a single clever situation or line in the whole show. In fact, I found some of the plots to be down right ludicrous, even when they were being cliqued and standard. For instance, in episode five Van, Reba's dimwitted teenaged son in law (more on that later) is having his football team over for the championship pre-game dinner but Reba doesn't serve the right traditional potato salad. When the team finds out they consider it to be a jinx and the game looks like its going to be doomed. The team is losing when Reba shows up with another batch of potato salad, this time what appears to be the right potato salad. The football team eats it and goes on to win the State championship. In the end we find out that it was actually the original potato salad and that Reba just changed labels proving, once again, that such things are all in peoples heads. Fade to credits. I know, we've all seen this plot played out in pretty much every sit-com ever made. However, here's the thing. You just spent two minutes reading the stupidest television episode plot you ever heard. I spent twenty minutes of my life watching it. This is not a plot that you would call cutting edge. Don't even get me started on episode six when Reba's pregnant teenage daughter moons the football bus and finds her bare ass on the internet in a "vote for the best ass" contest. Wow! Now THAT'S comedy. You know somewhere Norman Lear is shaking his head in disgust.

However, there is something that I think makes me hate this show more than others.  While the jokes on "Reba" are pure "Charles in Charge", the show pretends to be cutting edge and progressive by doing things that had never been done in sit-coms before. The series begins with Reba, her husband Brock, and their three children, Cheyenne, Kyra, and Jake in family counseling. Reba's husband has gotten his obnoxious secretary Barbara Jean pregnant and they are getting separated. Meanwhile, seventeen "all body and no brain" Cheyenne is also pregnant and marrying her even more retarded boyfriend Van who has been kicked out of his house because his family does not approve of the mess their son is in (frankly I'd kick him out for being an annoying moron). Kyra is an angsty teenager that nobody seems to understand (wow - that's original) and Jake goes to the Chris and Tracy Partridge School of Acting as the cute kid with few lines that doesn't usually motivate much plot. Anyhow, the subject of teenage pregnancy and marriage as well as the lives of a couple in a divorce could be considered cutting edge material and, if done right with the proper amount of heart, clever writing and likeable cast,, could have been  successfully done. In fact, that sounds like a sit-com I'd even watch! However, the writers of Reba just don't seem to know how to pull that off. They hide the banality of their program under these heavy plot devices only to feed us a heaping helping of insipid plots and bad dialogue.  It just defeats the so called "progressiveness" of the show. Basically, "Reba" is nothing more than a pretentious "Charles in Charge". At least "Charles in Charge" didn't pretend to be something its not.

Furthering the aggravation of the disaster we call "Reba" are the cast and characters. The cast and characters of a show is what makes viewers want to come back again and again for more. Now, I don't know if its just me but I find the majority of the characters on "Reba" to be annoying and, at times, downright offensive. Except for the completely cliqued Kyra, who seems to be the only character in the show with half a brain, and Jake, who doesn't do anything to develop plots thus not pissing me off, I pretty much hate the rest of the characters.

I guess the main players in my theater of hate are teenage lovers Van and Cheyenne, played by the disgustingly uncharismatic Joanna Garcia and Steve Howey. Much of the first season plot revolves around the two of them struggling with being in high school and being married while having a baby. It seems the world can't accept them. Am I just as bad for not accepting them? I find these two idiots to be the most unlikable pair on television. The reason I guess I hate Van and Cheyenne so much is not because of their situation. As I said, if written properly it might have made for interesting television. What makes the characters so terrible are a number of things. First is the obvious - they are both stupid characters. Not a loveable type of stupid either, such as Joey from "Friends". No, Van and Cheyenne's stupidity is combined with arrogance and the inability to take care of themselves. The fact that the two are both teenage parents and married perhaps wouldn't be so bad if the audience could respect them as capable and intelligent teenagers. Instead, we are given two moronic buffoons whose bad choices and stupid decisions get them into worse trouble. I hate people like that in real life so why do the producers of "Reba" expect me to like them on television? As years go by the characters only get more screwed up. I have no sympathy for the pretty boy football champion and his stupid cheerleading girlfriend whose troubles are created by their own stupidity. I'm sorry if I am being harsh but I just don't find these characters to be endearing or see their situation as at all funny. To top off that, recent seasons of "Reba" see Cheyenne battling alcoholism! Teenage alcoholism! Now that's funny! Vicky Pineapple pointed out that Van and Cheyenne are much like Kelso and Jackie from "That 70's Show" which is a show that I do enjoy. Just for the record, I hate Kelso for most of the same reasons but at least Kelso is responsible enough not to expect his girlfriend's Mom to solve all his problems. Van and Cheyenne make me sick, which is not the reaction that I think the producers of "Reba" want.

Next on my hit list is Melissa Peterman as Barbara Jean, Reba's husband's obnoxious new wife. The best way that I can describe Barbara Jean is the white trash Jackee. Remember "227's" Jackee - stupid, vain and obnoxious? It's the same shtick but less endearing...and I'd barely call Jackee endearing. As Reba's foil, perky and passive aggressive Barbara Jean is supposed to be the character you love to hate. Sadly, in my case, I just hate her. Just as there is a fine line between funny and clever, there is also a fine line between funny and obnoxious. Barbara Jean fits perfectly in the obnoxious category. Between stupid temper tantrums, manipulative scheming, and more mugging then a room full of Tony Danzas, Barbara Jean only adds to my pain.

Then we come to Reba's ex-husband Brock. Now I must admit that Christopher Rich (anybody remember when he played Archie Andrews in "To Riverdale and Back Again") manages to do the impossible by making his philandering character at least a bit likeable but the character is completely schizophrenic. When dealing with Reba and his kids Brock often seems to be the typical competent TV dad. However, when paired with his new wife Barbara Jean her stupidity seems to rub off on him and then he becomes a complete idiot. Brock is often prone to temper tantrums and often he and Barbara Jean run around acting like retarded teenagers themselves. I'm sorry but I just don't want to listen to a fight between Brock and Barbara Jean about if his leopard skin underwear is sexy or gay. If I could lock myself in a room with Brock I'd slap him up the side of the head and say grow up and start taking care of you own. I don't enjoy watching adults act like children. That's why I stopped watching "Polka Dot Door".

As said before, teenaged Kyra, played by Scarlet Pomers, is the only character that doesn't piss me off because, basically, she's not an idiot. Kyra has the least amount of stupid lines and her irrationality seems to be limited. However, the snide cynical teenager has been done to death, and it was done a lot better by Sarah Gilbert as Darlene Conner on "Roseanne". Sure, perhaps the character doesn't piss me off but its not enough to save this travesty of a program.

And finally we get to Reba herself. Now, by all accounts Reba is more likeable than all the rest of the characters. As a woman whose world is thrown into chaos Reba attempts to hold things together. I suppose that's supposed to be the main theme of the program - a woman who has enough heart and strength to hold her dysfunctional family together. However, what agitates me is that she is the only smart character around and is surrounded by simpleton boobs. Sure, such a thing was done back in the 1980's on "Newhart" but Bob Newhart did it with more style and his hotel full of morons was far more endearing. I find it hard to believe that Reba is the sole mature and responsible individual in a household of idiots. I am so exasperated by hating all the characters around her that I am too tired and irritated to even begin to like Reba. The only advice to her is buy a one way ticket to Cancun and abandon this house of idiots and let them either survive or die trying. Perhaps the reason they are retards is because you are solving all their problems in the first place. 

So, my final conclusion is that I hate "Reba". Sure, that has been obvious from the beginning but I can at least outline why I hate this program so much. Offensive plots, badly executed storylines, obnoxious characters, and a sea of stupidity haunt this series. However, let's not forget that it tries to be something that it's not. "Charles in Charge" never attempted to be "All in the Family". Why does "Reba"? The fact that this program has been on the air for five seasons now, as well as being titled the highest rated sit-com on the WB only makes me question the good taste and intelligence of the television audience. Wait. The television audience also watches reality TV and Jerry Springer. Yes. This all makes sense. No wonder "Reba" is a hit, and no wonder I hate television. Although Vicky Pineapple, and a number of other people I respect immensely, seem to like this show I just don't understand why. I just don't.

Final word:  Reba, honey - you should have stuck to country music.