June 25th, 2004

THE OLSEN TWINS: 

EXPLOITATION, ANOREXIA AND THE TRAGEDIES TO COME

Well, it was just a matter of time.  I've been saying it for years.

Mary Kate Olsen, one part of the Olsen Twins, entered treatment to deal with anorexia this week, only weeks after her long awaited eighteenth birthday. Is anybody else out there not surprised that this has happened? Up until now the ever lovin' and ever spunky Olsen Twins have seemed to be invincible and unstoppable but, finally, we see that they are actually only as human and as mortal as the rest of us. They could also be seen as confirming my long held belief that the Olsen Twins are most likely the most screwed up kids in show business.

The Olsen Twins? Did I say they were screwed up? But they seem so nice and normal! They seem to be having so much fun! Fame, fortune, videos, money, and boys! Shouldn't they be having the time of their lives? Shouldn't the crowns for most screwed up former child stars go to the Jackson family? The Jackson's give dysfunctional a new meaning! Well, let me break this down for you.

Friends, fame has a price that none of us can possibly ever imagine. The terrible truth is that the Olsen Twins are not normal and it's highly unlikely that they are having fun. The fact is that the Olsen Twins never had the chance to choose the life that they have nor have they ever chosen to be a part of the industry that they have been swallowed by. 

Let's do the math. Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen were born in 1986 but by 1987, at the age of one, they were cast in the television monstrosity called "Full House" From there the cuddly duo were featured in dozens of direct to video movies, feature films, musical projects, and later, toy and fashion lines. They even had a cartoon and their own magazine. Yet, while most celebrities are at least old enough to remember what normal life was like before fame, the Olsen Twins have known nothing but the imaginary life from behind the cameras. Let me remind you that this all started from the age of one. Now let me ask you this: who the hell knows what they are doing, or even has the ability to form memory, at the age of one? Seriously. These girls weren't even toilet trained yet! However they were already being paraded in front of the public and prompted to act cute. Does this not sound similar to the Dionne Quintuplets? And god knows they all grew up to be so normal!

However, the exploitation doesn't end there. From the age of one year old to the present day these two girls have been told what to wear, what to say, how to act, and what to think. At no point have they ever in their entire lives had a moment of breathing space where they could kick back and just be normal kids that didn't have to think about media, reputation, and the public that were already scrutinizing every little thing they did. When they should have been playing with dolls and sitting in the sandbox in summers that never seemed to end, they were instead being used to make heaps and heaps of money. They had to go through puberty with the whole world watching. During the difficult years of teenage drama, heartache, and trauma they had to put perky smiles on their faces as well as speak positive words and catchphrases that were put on cue cards written by someone else. While they should have been exploring their own identities to see who they really are as well as what they really want they were being told who they had to be and what the public expected them to say and think. No, the Olsen girls never had a chance to be normal. They never had a chance to be individuals. They never had a chance to figure out what they wanted. From before they can even remember the world has been watching them and they have been told what to say, what to think, and what to do.

So now these girls are eighteen. They are the richest teenagers in the world. They are the head of a billion dollar entertainment conglomerate. Shouldn't this be looked at as a success story? Isn't it all up from here? Not necessarily friends. I have a name for you: Shirley Temple. Anybody remember her? Of course you do. Now what has she been doing lately? Ah! I bet many of you didn't even realize she was still alive! Well, Shirley Temple is easily the Olsen girls of the 1930's. She achieved the same amount of success. Legions of fans, movies, toys, coloring books and the such. If they could market it, Shirley was on it. Also, many of you may not have realized that Shirley Temple did make movies right up to the point that she was almost in her twenties as well. However, the problem with Shirley Temple was that no matter how much money she had (and she is still well off and working in US politics as an US Ambassador these days) there came a point that she grew up and people just stopped caring. That's right. People loved little Shirley Temple but they didn't give a damn about adult Shirley Temple. Why? Well the fact of the matter was that no matter how attractive she was (and Shirley did grow up to be very beautiful), she just wasn't all that talented. She wasn't the best actress and she wasn't the best singer. As a child you can get away with that. As an adult its just annoying.

Well perhaps the Olsen girls should look at the later part of Shirley Temple's life as an indication of what is to come. The Olsen Twins are also not all that talented. Besides looking cute what else are they really good at? No, everything else they do is just mediocre and nothing more than a fairly successful novelty act. If they were around in the 1920's they could have been seen chanting, "gooble gobb'e, gooble gobble, one of us!"  Furthermore, when will the time come when one sister will want to gain her own independence from the other and break this novelty act up? I mean, I'm sure the pair of them have huge independence issues which I can't even begin to touch upon.  However, the writing is on the wall as eventually people are going to stop caring. I mean, now that the girls have turned eighteen what else is there to look forward to from these two? The answer is nothing - nothing at all.

So can we be surprised that Mary Kate has some issues that would lead to an eating disorder? No, I think it's possible that she would. However, I only think its the tip of the iceberg for this Hollywood freak show. I'm still waiting for the day that one of them kills the other and eats her skin or something. Mark my words. There is much more tragedy to come from these girls.