THOSE WACKY AND CRAPPY

SUBWAY COMMERCIALS

Okay - it's stupid o'clock in the morning right now. The sun is just starting to come up and the birds are singing and you want to know what I'm doing? I'm having Subway. That's right - a Chicken Pizziola sub from Subway. These things are so damn good. They have an incredible healing power. See, tonight at work I had a rough night which forced me to stay nearly an hour longer than I should have.  At the end of the night I was left needing some comfort food. Yes... I know I shouldn't be eating at night but I said "screw it" and headed to the twenty-four hour Subway.

I love Subway. I frikkin' love it so much! There is no other fast food in the world better than Subway. Some days I wake up and I just crave it, much like a junkie craves cocaine. But, unlike cocaine, Subway is actually good for you. Just ask Jared Fogle. You all know Jared. He was really fat, ate nothing but Subway and is now really skinny and shows up on all the Subway commercials.

Now this is the funny thing - I love Subway but I HATE Subway commercials. For instance, look at the latest one for the Chicken Pizziola sub: Jared is sitting in Subway talking to some woman about chicken subs and the whole restaurant, which is all full of happy and charismatic people, talk about how much they all love chicken subs. There is a lot of laughter and smiles and a room full of friendly strangers all united in their ever-lasting love for chicken subs from Subway. This is Jared's world. Everybody is friendly, everybody is happy and everybody loves Subway! In reality nobody talks to each other at the Subway - and especially over how great the chicken subs are. Furthermore, everybody in Subway commercials looks up to Jared as a hero. Remember the Subway commercial where Jared is eating a sub and one of the Subway girls calls her friend to tell her Jared is in the store and the whole city ends up coming to see Jared and eat subs? Only in Jared's world. It would have to be a way bigger celebrity than Jared to make me drop everything to run to Subway. Wait... no, I would probably actually go to Subway to see him. I'm just a bit of a whore that way.

By the way - you know what they refer to people who have lost weight by eating Subway on the Subway website? They call them "Jared's Army". Does that not suck? So, it looks like I am a member of Jared's Army because I am convinced that my own Subway obsession has slimed at least ten pounds or so off of me over the last couple of years. However, if you sent "Jared's Army" over to Iraq I am putting my money on Iraq. Heck, if Jared's Army went up against the Kiss Army  I would be siding with the Kiss Army.

Anyways, you know what I hate even more then Jared's Subway commercials? Canadian Subway commercials with that tough talkin' Dennis Leary wannabe. That guy is a dick. It's all "look at me - I'm fuckin' cool and I'm a fuckin' tough guy and I eat at Subway you fuckin' mindless not-as-cool-as-I-am dickwad, so you should fuckin' eat there too because then you'd be a cool fuckin' tough guy like me. Tell them about that fuckin' sub you're making there Janie!" Of course he doesn't say "fuckin'" but you know that's what he means. What really gets me in those commercials though are the Subway employees that this dick seems to all know by name. They are all articulate, good-looking and charismatic. Now let me ask you this - if you were an articulate, good-looking and charismatic twenty-something wouldn't you be doing something far better than working at Subway? God knows the guy that made my sub tonight looked a bit inbred and was definitely socially retarded. However, to be fair, he was very pleasant and made a hell of a good sub. He may not be the Subway commercials version of a Subway employee, but he did his job and I was satisfied.

Anyhow, what I guess I am trying to say is that no matter how bad the Subway commercial is, I am still going to buy their product because, damn it, I just love Subway that much. They could write a truly offensive commercial and I'd still eat Subway.  I mean Subway could be using an Adolf Hitler look alike to hock their subs and it wouldn't stop me from eating there.

It might go kind of like this...

Adolf Hitler: When I'm working towards the final solution I really get hungry and I've got to keep fit and trim too, so that's why I eat at Subway! And right now I just love the Chicken Pizziola sub. Tell us all about it Janie!

Janie the cute, articulate and charismatic Subway girl: Sure Hitler! You get succulent boneless chicken strips, tangy marinara sauce and big pieces of salami with the toppings of your choice on fresh oven-baked bread!

Hitler: Mmm... oven-baked! Oh - and look everybody! I've lost fifteen pounds by eating at Subway!

Jared: Hey Hitler - you've got some chicken in your moustache!

Hitler: Ho ho ho ho - thanks Jared!

Janie, Hitler and Jared all laugh and smile at the camera as Hitler brushes off his moustache and Hitler and Jared slap each other on the back and give the big thumbs up to the camera.

Singers: Subway - eat fresh!
 

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All content copyright Sam Tweedle 2006.

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