March 21st, 2005

THE MIRACLE OF MY MEATY JESUS BALLS: AN OPEN LETTER TO

GEORGE W. BUSH

Dear President Bush,

I am writing to you tonight in hopes that you could help me with a little problem that I am having.

You see, I have this really good friend named Chantal. She's a skinny little pink haired girl in big boots. She's really neat; I think you'd like her. Anyway, as great as Chantal is there is one thing that makes me very sad about her. She is a vegetarian. Now, its not that being a vegetarian is a bad thing - not at all. Many of my favorite people are vegetarians. However, with Chantal being a vegetarian she has never ever had my Meaty Jesus Balls.

Now I am sure that you are wondering what my Meaty Jesus Balls are. No, I assure you that its not dirty, nor is it sacrilegious. My Meaty Jesus Balls is a meatball dish that I developed a number of years ago. Its a take on my mothers old Porcupine meatball dish she used to serve when I was a child, but tweaked to be much spicier and is fried and stewed in tomato and basil instead of baked in mushroom soup. Trust me when I tell you that they are the greatest meatballs in the history of man. Thats why I call them Meaty Jesus Balls. They are so good that if Jesus was around I bet he'd eat them. That and, being my ultimate comfort food, they have the power to heal. Since I take so much pride in my Meaty Jesus Balls you can see why I would want Chantal to try them one day. However, being a vegetarian it just isn't happening.

So what does this have to do with you and how can you help us? Well Mr. President, the other night when I was talking to Chantal on the phone I asked her just what would it take for her to eat meat, if only once. Chantal answered world peace. Thats why I am coming to you.

Mr. President, I was hoping that in the name of my Meaty Jesus Balls you could stop being the bully of the world and stop looking for enemies and sending troops into small Middle East countries only to have them come home in body bags. Sure, sure, sure, I know....war on terrorism....weapons of mass destruction....yadda, yadda, yadda. We've been over it all before. Mr. Bush, believe me when I say youre gonna have to relax and stop looking for an enemy or youre going to have a heart attack. All that stress isn't good. Look at Lyndon Johnston! Why do you think he died so young? Stress Mr. Bush. Stress.

I have a suggestion. What are you doing next Wednesday? Why don't you take Air Force One to Peterborough and come up to my apartment for dinner? I get off work early and I am sure if I told them the President of the United States was coming over for dinner they might let me off a bit earlier. I'll make some Meaty Jesus Balls and maybe we can get the jukebox up and running. We can watch a DVD or something. Have you seen the British sitcom The Office yet? Great bloody series, just got it on DVD. I bet you'd find it funny.

Anyhow, once you take one taste of my Meaty Jesus Balls I am sure that you'll see that all this fighting isn't worth the stress, death, mayhem, and property damage that is occurring. Once your belly is full of my Meaty Jesus Ball goodness I'm sure it'll make you a happier president, and a happy you is a happy the rest of us. Perhaps then you might end your nonsense and create a more peaceful world for real and stop threatening other countries.

So lets summarize.

Meaty Jesus Balls + George W. Bush = Happy George W. Bush
Happy George W. Bush + No Longer Looking for an Enemy = World Peace
World Peace = Chantal eats my Meaty Jesus Balls.

Well Mr. President, I think we found a solution to all our problems. World peace AND Chantal gets to eat my Meaty Jesus Balls. Think you can make it over for 7 pm on Wednesday? Be sure to extend the invite to Laura.

Thanks Mr. Bush.

Sincerely,

Sam Tweedle

PS - The Meaty Jesus Balls will be made with Canadian Beef. I do hope thats okay with you. :)