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January 18th, 2004
ROTTING ENAMEL:
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO MURPHY THE MOLAR?
 Remember
Murphy the Molar? He was this giant tooth with a face that went into
elementary schools in the 70's and 80's to teach children about dental
hygiene. He was also the subject of a number of short cartoons on the
same subject. Well it occurred to me this morning that Murphy the Molar
is no longer being used. When exactly did Murphy the Molar disappear?
More importantly, where is Murphy the Molar now?
I like to imagine a bitter Murphy the Molar drinking tequila in the bar
of a Tijuana brothel with the Kool-Aid Man and Jeremy Miller, the kid
that played Ben on "Growing Pains".
Drunk and reflective, Murphy the Molar starts to talk:
"I had it all once," he says, "I was the king of dental
hygiene. I was adored by millions of children. Millions I tell you! I
mean imitations came and went. The toothbrush family? Ha! Remember them?
I put them out of work in no time. Bah! There was a time that I was more
popular than the Beatles! God even! There I was man, hanging out at Club
54 with Erik Estrada and Donna Summer. The party never ended man. I was
a star in New York, a star in L.A. Drugs, liquor, women, I had the
world. But then there was that drunken night with Brooke Shields and the
bathtub full of butterscotch pudding... and when the photos got out...
sigh. How was I to know that pudding causes tooth decay? C'mon - it's
not like I didn't brush! I mean... I'm Murphy the fuckin' Molar for
fucks sake! I mean what are we supposed to fill the bathtub full of?
Carrots? So they pull my image out of the classroom and what else can a
poor unemployed tooth do? I mean, I did have that one audition for
"All My Children" but they told me I just wasn't working out.
I JUST WASN'T WORKING OUT!!!! I had it all man. I had it all..."
Murphy the Molar begins to cry. The Kool-Aid Man puts his arm around him
and says "Oh yeah."
Murphy the Molar dries his tears. Getting control of himself he
continues:
"The problem is kids today. They don't care about hygiene. They
don't care about tooth decay. All they want is their video games and MTV
and Pokemon. Well fuck them man! Fuck them! I don't care if they all
have worse teeth than the folks in the South end of London. I did what I
could. I gave my life to giving them a healthy smile but what did I get
back? Nothing. What's a poor talking tooth to do? Now I wanna be left
alone."
"Are you sure?" says the kid who played Ben on Growing Pains.
"GO!" screams Murphy the Molar as he throws the tequila bottle
at his companions heads, only to have it crash into a thousand shards on
the floor. "Let me wallow in my own sorrow by myself. I don't want
you to look at me! DON'T LOOK AT MEEEEEE!"
"Oh yeah," says the Kool-Aid Man, rolling his eyes, as
they exit the room and leave Murphy the Molar by himself. He sits all
alone in the bar at the brothel. Outside he hears the sound of the
Spanish horns playing the Lonely Bull over the moans and the thumps from
the ceiling above him. Soon the Mexican sun will set on Murphy the Molar
and he will once again have to dream about past victories and the life
that he once knew.
Yeah - that's kind of how I like to think of Murphy the Molar.
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