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October 21st, 2005
Recently I was handed a Maxim magazine article from a few years back that was a rather stupid and badly researched article listing what Maxim deemed to be the 50 most lame superheroes of all time. In my far reaching memory I remember talk of this article because, when it was originally published, the list created quite a stir amongst the comic book community as nearly every major superhero, with the exception of Batman, the Hulk, Spiderman and Wolverine were on the list. The list of the "lamest" superheroes included Wonder Woman, Green Lantern, Dr. Strange, the Flash, Green Arrow and Captain Marvel (a.k.a. Shazam to our friends who don't read comic books) and even Superman - unquestionably the greatest and most famous superhero in the history of publishing. The #1 lamest character of all time, according to Maxim, was Batman's pal Robin - yet the writer's main criticism was about Robin's silver age costume, a costume he hasn't worn for over ten years, but hey, I guess they needed an excuse to make a few below the belt gay jokes. Anyhow, with a bit of better research the ass who wrote the article could have written a far better one. I decided to sit down and do the subject some justice. So for your enjoyment CONFESSIONS OF A POP CULTURE ADDICT PRESENTS (in no particular order) THE TOP TEN LAMEST SUPERHEROES OF ALL TIME
#9. The
#7.
#5. Arm Fall Off Boy - Ah, that crazy
Legion of Sup
#3. The Legion of the Superpets - In the
late 1950s and the early 1960s DC just kind of got weird. They kept # and finally.... #1 - Aqualad - Now everybody likes to pick
on Aquaman as being lame - but can you i Robin: Okay everybody - how was your week this week? This week Batman and I stopped the Joker from causing mass genocide! What did you do this week Speedy? Speedy: This week Green Arrow and I shook down some crooked politicians, joined a peace rally, stopped some racist cops and fed the homeless some of Green Arrow's famous chili - how about you Donna? Wonder Girl: Wow - me and Wonder Woman flew to Mount Olympus in her invisible jet and had a special meeting with Zeus and the other gods of Mount Olympus... how about you Aqualad? Aqualad: Ummmm... me and Aquaman stopped some dolphins from going into a hydro dam! Kid Flash: Wow - you suck Aqualad. Furthermore, Aqualad had this really dumb looking perm - making him look like a Brady... Thanks for coming out Aqualad... So that's it, dear friends. However there are so many more characters I've left off the list! Jean the Baton and the rest of Section 8, The Inferior Five, the Lieutenant Marvels (with Hoppy the Marvel Bunny), Bouncing Boy (and other various Legionnaires) and the golden age Red Tornado just to name a few. However, as you can see, there are lame superhero ideas out there. Just those dimwits at Maxim magazine didn't want to take the time to find them. Perhaps they should stop spending so much time thinking about half-naked starlets and read a few more comic books. DON'T MISS THE EXCITING SEQUEL TO THIS ARTICLE! THE TOP TEN LAMEST SUPERHEROES II: THE NEXT TEN!
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#10.
Cypher - Cypher (a.k.a. Doug Ramsey) was a member of the
"New Mutants" which was an affiliate of the X-Men. They were
the young mutants that were being trained by Professor X and the rest of
the X-Men in the 1980s. Cypher's mutant ability was to basically
decipher anything. You know, like languages and secret codes and stuff.
Yup - that was it. He was pretty much a translator. Furthermore, he was
just this little guy who didn't have any fighting skills. To put it
bluntly, poor Cypher was worthless during battle. When it came to
defeating Galactus he wasn't going to be much good, but if the X-Men's
mansion's DVD player manual was only in Japanese, Cypher was your man.
It's probably not any surprise to you that Cypher was killed off and
never brought back. Yet, for some reason, he remains a fan favourite to
this day.
Red Bee - Appearing in the 1940s in "Hit Comics #1" the
Red Bee was basically your powerless vigilante type character. However
instead of wearing a cool costume like Batman or the Shadow, the Red Bee
opted for a red pirate shirt with pink pouffy sleeves and red and yellow
striped tights. However, what made the Red Bee truly lame wasn't just
his eyesore of a costume, but the fact that he fought crime with the aid
of a trained bumble bee! That's right! You read it right! A trained
bumble bee named Michael that lived in a compartment in the Red Bee's
belt buckle. I'm serious! A frikkin' trained bumble bee... named
Michael! So unless the Red Bee's villains were allergic to bee stings he
wasn't much good. It may not surprise you that they also killed off the
Red Bee in the pages of "All Star Squadron" but, again, the
Red Bee remains to "bee" a fan favourite to this day.
#
8. Brother Power the Geek - In the late 1960s Captain America
creator Joe Simon created Brother Power the Geek in the pages of
"Brother Power the Geek #1". Brother Power was a mannequin
that was hit by lightening and came to life with super strength and
other limitless magical powers. Also, since he was a dummy you couldn't
kill him or even really hurt him. Essentially Brother Power was more
powerful than even Superman. I mean, in a fight between Superman and
Brother Power, Brother Power could technically win considering that his
powers were untapped and Superman can be harmed by magic. Anyways,
Brother Power lived amongst the flower people and preached love and
peace and fought against "the man" and "the
establishment". Brother Power made an attempt to run for president,
but was accidentally shot into space in the pages of "Brother Power
the Geek #2". While that story was "to be continued" it
wasn't completed for over thirty years. After two issues Brother Power
was cancelled, making it the fastest cancelled comic from a major
publisher. Brother Power eventually made his return to earth in the 90's
in a well-written story by Sandman's Neil Gaiman in a "Swamp Thing"
Annual and was later featured in a very well written and received
"Vertigo Visions" one shot. Once again, it may not be surprising that the two issues of
"Brother Power the Geek" are cult favorites and very sought
after books.
Matter
Eater Lad - Matter Eater Lad should at least get the award for the
worst superhero name in comic history. Matter Eater Lad was a character
from Legion of the Superheroes. Now in the 1960s the writers at DC
comics were always looking for new and strange powers for their quickly
growing cast of teenage futuristic heroes. However, though it
seemed like they'd hit their all time low with Bouncing Boy, it turned
out they could sink even lower with Matter Eater Lad. Get this - Matter
Eater Lad's power was the ability to eat through any substance. Yup. The
power of "super eating". It kind of worked like this: you
needed to get through a steel door you got Matter Eater Lad to
"eat" it. Dig? However Matter Eater Lad wasn't into
cannibalism so he never actually chowed down on any bad guys. Mind you,
I think cannibalism was against the comic code act back then.
#6.
Dogwelder - Dogwelder was a character from Garth Ennis' "Hitman"
series. Dogwelder was part of a superhero team known as Section Eight
which was a band of these crazy guys that fought crime in rather inane
ways. Dogwelder is my favourite of the bunch. He's this madman in a
silver welder's outfit that basically just goes around welding stray
dogs to villains' faces. That's it. That's how he fought crime. Welding
dogs to people. Mind you it would be a bitch of a thing to have happen
to you. You try to rob a bank and you end up with a Lhasa Apso welded to
your face, yapping for eternity. *shudder*
erheroes
and their crazy writers! They'll let heroes with some of the stupidest
powers into the Legion, but they pass up a great character like
Arm Fall Off Boy. Arm Fall Off Boy is an oddity all his own because
although he only made one appearance in a comic book ever (Secret
Origins #46 [1989]), his appearance was so memorable that he has a cult
following to this day. Arm Fall Off Boy made an apperance at a Legion of
Superheroes recruitment drive where he displayed his "astounding" power
to Saturn Girl, Lightning Lad and Cosmic Boy. His power? To detach his
left arm from his body and use it as a
club. Sadly, Arm Fall Off Boy was surprised when the Legion let him know
that his talents weren't quite right for their organization.
Arm Fall Off Boy sulked away into comic book oblivion, but was not
forgotten. One only wonders how he felt when later on the Legion would
accept Bouncing Boy and, well, Matter Eater Lad to their ranks.
#4.
Vibe - The year was 1983. Break dancing was big. I mean really
big, and being a fad that grew out of the Spanish American subculture
all of America was embracing Spanish culture. Yup - Spanish Americans
were a big thing. This was when Menudo was a sensation and Eric Estrada
was a sex symbol. Anyhow, DC comics followed suit with their own break
dancing Spanish superhero called Vibe. Vibe, a former Detroit gang
leader left his West Side Story antics behind and moon walked his way
into the Justice League and had fairly good powers (the power to create
shockwaves - much like an earthquake) but spent most of his time hitting
on women and dancing the night away. It should be no surprise that Vibe
was also killed, and never brought back and actually has no cult
following at all. Everybody just kind of likes to forget about him. Vibe
is thought of today as the stain on the legacy of the Justice League.
introducing all these super intelligent animals with the same
superpowers as Superman who all wore red capes. The first was Krypto the
Superdog who was sent to earth by Superman's father Jor-El in a test
rocket before he sent Superman to make sure it worked alright. Superman
and Krypto were reunited on earth when Superman was a teenager and they
fought crime together. Next was Beppo the Supermonkey. Beppo had pretty
much the same story. Jor-El also sent a monkey to make sure the rocket
would work. Everybody knows that comics need a chimp, so Beppo provided
comic relief by wearing a Superman costume. The next was Streaky the
Supercat. Now Streaky wasn't sent from Krypton in a rocket but was
infected by something called X-Kryptonite which gave earth animals superpowers.
Finally came Comet the Superhorse. Comet was an alien horse that was
really a centaur who had a curse put on him by some scorned goddess (or
something like that) and turned human once a year when a comet passed
through Earth's atmosphere and would romance Supergirl in human form,
but the rest of the year was nothing but her pet horse (holy Catherine
the Great
Batman!). Anyways, these animals eventually joined forces to become the
Legion of the Superpets. I swear to god.
2
- Zan from the Wonder Twins - Remember the Wonder Twins from the
Superfriends cartoon? Zan and Jayna were these alien twins - Jayna could
turn into an animal while Zan turned into a water element. So while
Jayna could be a gorilla or a rhino or a cobra Zan, who was inspired,
incidentally, by Donny Osmond, could become a bucket
of water or an ice cube. To say the least, Zan wasn't much good when it
came to saving the world. I mean what would have happened to Zan if he
was faced with Doomsday? Get Doomsday wet? Yeah... sorry Zan, that's NOT
going to stop him. However, if the Superfriends ever fought the Wicked
Witch of the West, Zan would be your man. Unfortunately for Zan, the
Wicked Witch of the West is not owned by DC comics.
magine
being his sidekick? I take you now to a meeting of the Teen Titans...