ASH VS. AL:  AN ENCOUNTER WITH BRUCE CAMPBELL

It wasn't the usual crowd for the Toronto Indigo book store on the corner of Bay and Bloor Street.  As early as two pm a crowd of young, freaky people were beginning to line up.  Many wore black t-shirts portraying different horror and b films while others were heavily tattooed.  They were all waiting for hours for one man to show up to sign and promote his new book - horror and b-movie king Bruce Campbell.  Better known as Ash from "Evil Dead" and "Army of Darkness", Bruce Campbell has a legion of followers and fans.  However, Bruce Campbell has now written two books.  His autobiography, "If Chins Could Kill" went to the number one spot on the New York Times bestseller list a year ago. His new one, "How to Make Love the Bruce Campbell Way", is a fictional story featuring him as the main character, and is currently sitting in the twentieth spot.  In the back row of the seating area Louisa, Holmes, Sara, Chantal, and I waited, along with the other hundred people seated. There were yet another three hundred people standing as we waited for Bruce to arrive.  A hushed rumor was floating around that the turn out for Bruce Campbell was even greater then that for former US president Bill Clinton's book signing a week earlier.  As I sat there I kept thinking to myself how much I wish that Al had come with us.  I had been mentioning it to Al for weeks.  One day he would decide he was coming and the next day he would change his mind.  Eventually Al told me that he would not be meeting Bruce Campbell with us because he had committed to a golf tournament on the Sunday, meaning he'd be sun stroked, hung over, and broke by Monday.  Oh, how I was missing Al and thinking how much he would be enjoying this event.  Al loves Bruce Campbell way more then I do..

The wait was nearly three hours.  This is not that bad for me because I am used to waiting in lines for these kinds of things.  My companions, on the other hand, seemed to be getting rather anxietal and tired of the wait.  That, and all of us began to calculate how much more expensive this excursion was than we had planned.  Eventually a little bald man went to the microphone, who introduced another guy, who introduced Bruce Campbell.  From the other side of the store, and down the aisle, walked the huge man with his trademark smirk and the biggest chin this side of Jay Leno.  The book store roared with a thundering applause and hollers.  Suddenly my friends seemed a bit more awake.

"Okay.  Well, I'm not going to read any of the book because that's your responsibility," Bruce said, pulling himself up onto the podium. "What I am going to do is answer any questions you have for me so feel free to ask me anything for the exception of any questions about 'Evil Dead 4' or 'Ash vs. Freddy vs. Jason.'  Okay, first question  you," he said pointing to a guy near the front of the stage.  The guy he chose took time to point out his tattoo of Ash and promote his rock band.  Then Bruce took another question.  Suddenly my hand went up and Bruce pointed to me.  "You.  In the back with the hat.  What do you got for me?"

"Hi Mr. Campbell...uh....well my good buddy Al was supposed to be here today...." I said.

"Al?  Al?  Where's Al?" Bruce interrupted looking into the crowd standing beyond the seating area.

"No.  No, Al's not actually here," I explained further, "Al decided that it was much more important to play golf and drink beer instead of being here."

Bruce leaned forward onto the podium and looked me straight in the face, "Al decided to...play golf...and drink beer...instead of come here?  I see.  So what's your question?  Why are you telling me this?"  I began to wonder if I was getting in shit for wasting Bruce Campbell's time.

"Well," I said, "I just wanted to know if you have a message for my buddy Al," I said to Bruce.

"Well, your buddy Al sucks." Bruce Campbell said to the roar of the audience, "Next question...and FYI, I really don't care what your friends that aren't here are doing tonight."  Once again we all laughed.

"You're an idiot," Chantal said to me, "What kind of stupid question was that?"

"Well I did warn Al that I'd do that," I said to Chantal.  The truth was that I did tell Al I'd do that but at the time I was just kidding.  I have no idea what made me actually do it.

The rest of Bruce Campbell's presentation was great.  He never answered any questions as much as he cracked similar snide comments at the audience as he did to me, but then those who know and love Bruce Campbell know that that's his shtick.  Finally he wrapped up his presentation and the people in the sitting area were prompted to stand up and get in line.  It was all planned out to get people through as fast as possible.  A post it note with each individual's name was put on the inside cover of each book. Also, you had to get your camera ready if you wanted a picture and you could get one other item signed.  With me I had an 8X10 picture of Bruce as Ash for my wall of autographed pictures that hangs in my home.  Since we were near the front of the line we didn't have long to wait.  The Indigo sales rep pushed me towards the table and in front of Bruce Campbell.  I put out my hand and shook his with a good firm shake.  "Hello Bruce," I said with much confidence. Bruce looked at the post it note with my name on it.

"So it's that crazy Sam with that crazy friend Al who sucks, huh?" Bruce said.

"Sorry about that Bruce.  I just kinda told Al I'd do that if he didn't come and, ya know...." I felt like I was trying to explain myself after Chantal gave me hell.

"Ha!" Bruce said with a chuckle. "Well I'm going to sign that Al sucks in your book," he said.

"Ha ha ha!  That's great!" I laughed, and in my copy of "If Chins Could Kill" Bruce wrote "Hey Sam.  Al Sucks.  Bruce Campbell." Then he signed my picture of Ash as well.   I was pleased.  I shook Bruce Campbell's hand again and told him to have a great stay in Toronto.  Then my friends and I went for Thai food.  All in all, a good day.

Now I just can't wait to show Al the book.  I told him he should have come.

All content copyright Sam Tweedle 2006.

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